Is it sadness, remorse or regret? Surprisingly I’m not talking about none of the before mentioned.
Source: Self Designed Collage of With Author Taken Photos. Graphic Licensed From Canva Pro. All Rights Reserved.
COMPREHENDING WRITTEN FEELINGS
People feel regret. I do not argue there is no remorse or sadness. I am particular with my words. I often tell my wife I write at a much higher language level than middle school. Currently, the average American adult reads at an eighth-grade level (2).
Remember I said “A surprising consequence” not, “The surprising consequence. There’s a big
difference between the use of these two words. The implies the only. A implies there is one among many. I’m talking about a consequence often overlooked by many.
At the turn of the century nearly half of US adults had significant difficulty in performing tasks requiring them to integrate (or synthesize) information from complex or lengthy texts (3). Social media is believed to negatively affect achievement (4). I can only speculate how many adults have difficulty achieving advanced levels of reading comprehension today. My bet is the non-achievers are higher than they were in the past.
Male emotions, from a male perspective, ladies are more complex than you think.
If you’re experiencing infidelity, the result your infidel might get from his unfaithful behavior could surprise you. It might be the opposite of what you think.
FOLLOWING THE HEART
Hurt and pain can blind our rationale. Emotions are powerful motivators and epic blinders. We are often told to follow what is in our hearts. An old biblical passage about the heart reads,
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9 (5)
Male emotions, from a male perspective, ladies are more complex than you think.
In modern culture it is often said the heart is responsible for love, empathy, sense of danger and anger. All emotions are often sourced to the metaphorical heart. What is the metaphorical heart anyways?
THE METAPHORICAL HEART
Our amygdala is a small part of our brain, but it plays an important role in our life. The amygdala was identified by current neuroscientist as the processing center for emotions (6).
Essentially, today’s consensus is our heart lives in the amygdala.
Historically, emotions surfaced through evolution to adapt to significant change in our environments (7). The primary changes of emotions dealt with motivators to address food, water, shelter, sexual partners, providing adequate protection, nurturing, offspring care, and most importantly, to avoid danger from life-threatening situations (8).
When we assess the above it is juvenile to ignore the obvious. Our feelings have 1) purpose and 2) the purpose comes from a long line of evolution.
This said.
What are the feelings in a man’s heart (amygdala) when he cheats?
CHEATING IS NOT POLYGAMY
I think we need to understand what cheating is. Yes, sleeping with more than one woman can be cheating. Sleeping with more than one person is not cheating if the person practicing poly-something tells their partner this is how they choose to operate, the partner chooses to stay (even if it’s a rule change) and the person who chose to stay now post-complains about infidelity.
The situation above might be unfair, not cool and a lot of things. It’s just not cheating.
Essentially, today’s consensus is our heart lives in the amygdala.
Per Merriam Webster Cheat means –
1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting
A person can commit infidelity (loses faithfulness to just one person) and not be a cheater if they flip the script (i.e. have a change of heart). This is where the term “infidel” comes from. The person is an “infidel” if they are upfront. They are not a “cheater”. A cheater would be a person who knew they would always have more than one partner, lured you into believing the opposite, and now has their run of the town.
Some guys are cheaters. This is true. In my opinion many guys are infidels. Infidels and cheaters are not the same. Polyamory, polygamy and open relationships are a thing.
That said, I am not advocating for or against these things. I’m just saying cheating is a concept applied to: Games, Competitions, Gambling, and Relationships.
In all instances we are talking about people deceiving people into a false belief; with known intent their stated attention is false. This is why people use the word “fraud”. A cheater says something knowing it is false to mislead you into thinking something which is a pure lie.
A person changing their mind is a person who changed their mind. Might be unfair but it’s not the same thing.
AN UNANTICIPATED CONSEQUENCE OF CHEATERS
Male cheaters seem to have a very interesting retrospective look. Listening to a Podcast “Cheating When Love Lies” I heard a story of two cheating lovers who chose each other. Contrary to statistical facts these two chose each other, left their marriages, stayed together and are still married.
This cheating couple is going on 7 years married.
Definitely they are defying the odds.
That is not the surprise of this story. The surprise was hearing the man’s voice as he described himself today. The surprise consequence was how he viewed his past behavior. He viewed his past as “immature”. The man expressed profound sadness he could not be the version he is today to the wife of yesterday.
He said these words with his current wife on the phone. I heard the crack in his voice. I felt the tears in his eyes. I sensed the regret in his being.
He wasn’t sad he wasn’t “faithful” enough; the man was sad he wasn’t “mature” enough.
A cheater says something knowing it is false to mislead you into thinking something which is a pure lie.
All this through a podcast. This was not about him regretting his current relationship per se. This was about his failure to be a mature man acting like a mature adult. He pitied the man of before, not for his appetite for variety, but for his immaturity to: 1) communicate effectively, 2) voice intimacy concerns, 3) not stonewall when lack of sex was present and 4) not throw adult temper tantrums because of some offense.
He wished he was a more “mature” man. He did not necessarily wish he didn’t break up with her. He wished he was his version today to handle his situation like a mature man should.
He said he should have been adult about the issues. Interesting.
CHEATING IS A SIGN OF NEEDING TO GROW UP
As mentioned before, cheating does not necessarily reflect infidelity. Anything can contain an element of cheating.
Let’s analyze an example of a cheater who didn’t commit adultery:
For instance, say you do not want children. You meet the man or woman of your dreams. You are phenomenal and compatible in every area. The area you don’t agree on is children. One wants a big family. You decline to comment on this idea or voice objection. You just nod and say “That’s nice.”You never bring it up again. Despite your knowledge of children, you rationalize things can change one day! You both are so good together. You develop a long-term relationship. You get married. You’re happy. Then your partners asks when you want to start having kids. You tell them it’s not in the cards. Your partner feels betrayed. Your partner always told you they wanted a big family. You maintain you never talked about it, because they never specifically asked.
Congratulations, you are the cheater in this example.
I heard the crack in his voice. I felt the tears in his eyes. I sensed the regret in his being.
It is possible for someone to have fidelity and cheat. This area of deception and fraud is akin to lying by omission. For you directly knew by not saying something they would believe the opposite.
Withholding information because you are not sure of a consequence is not lying by omission. That just means you’re scared.
Lying by omission requires a person’s full knowledge that withholding information will allow the person they fail to tell to falsely come to the opposite conclusion if that person were to simply ask.
WE ALL LEARN TO LIE FROM SOMEWHERE
According to Psychological Science, parenting by lying is a global phenomenon, with Asian and Turkish samples reporting the practice to a high degree (over 95% experienced parenting by lying). European American samples tended to report lower rates, though still relatively high (~75%). Parenting by lying can erode parent–child attachment bonds, create mistrust, and model lying as an acceptable behavior to children according to social learning theory (Bandura, 1977).
…cheating does not necessarily reflect infidelity. Anything can contain an element of cheating.
This is a possible explanation for the cheating phenomenon. We learn Santa Claus is coming down the chimney as a 4-years-old and the tooth fairy has a quarter for us at 5-years-old — only to find out some years later lying, and deception were okay in certain instances because our parents were trying to “reward” us.
As children, we learn these behaviors and some people carry these juvenile behaviors into adulthood. In other words, some get cheated on by our first role models and then take this immature behavior into other intimate relationships.
No wonder cheating is wide spread.
FAULT AND RESPONSIBILITY
If you’re a victim of a cheater, I want to tell you it’s not your fault. I also want to tell you it might not be your partner’s fault they were cheated on so early.
It’s your partner’s responsibility to identify their immaturity and grow up.
Resoundingly, some men (not all) who cheat often describe their cheating as an immature behavior used to mask insecurities regarding the desire to increase self-esteem (9). In my opinion once they terminate the cheating relationship and realize self-esteem cannot be stimulated through excessive center stimulation (sex, drugs, alcohol, or third-party validation) they tend to shed these insecurities. It is then they realize their lack of maturity and dispose of cheating behavior.
Most men do grow up. Most men do mature. It just sucks when it’s at your expense. I get it.
My first marriage failed from lack of maturity — not lack of love. This is an important lesson even I can relate to.
As a mature man I now recognize the importance of hard conversations, uncomfortable feelings and the need to go through them to make something beautiful. The very things I avoided in my first marriage; I embrace in my current marriage. My definition of harmony was simply a woman not making me feel uncomfortable. I have hard uncomfortable conversations if they are undertaken with the goal to yield a positive outcome. This is what makes my current love so strong and reliable. This is a characteristic of a mature man.
Immature guys avoid where mature men embrace.
THERE IS HOPE IN GROWING UP
Ladies Jeremiah 17:9 talked about the heart being deceitful for a reason. I know it hurts. I know I’m a man. You’re hopefully reading this because you want a mature man’s well substantiated opinion and informed perspective.
My advice? Recognize if you’re man just needs to grow up. He might just need to gain some maturity. Mature men don’t cheat. Only boys do.
As children, we learn these behaviors and some people carry these juvenile behaviors into adulthood.
Make sure you divorce a man — not an adolescent who can still grow. Don’t let the heart deceive you into believing something false.
There’s hope in adolescence because they mature and become adults. Judge the man not the boy. If you feel your guy loves you but he just needs some maturing, try to use the Male Navigation Tool (MNT) I described in my previous article.
You might be able to guide a cheater to maturity. Don’t stay in a relationship that’s an abusive dead end. At the same time don’t give up on a relationship that just needs some time to grow up either. A one-time event produced due to immaturity is much different than a serial offender who has developed a bad behavior pattern beyond repair.
Don’t devalue different opposite perspectives when perception can be misleading. Help your partner find high self-worth inside themselves. Worth exists. Unfortunately, not all my secrets will not be discovered in this free article. You must pick up a copy of my international best-selling book “I Made It Then I Didn’t” or order “Many Paths To Profit” for that.
The concept I teach in this article is free. My personal stories are not. Don’t let pennies get in the way of showing you something much more valuable than a dollar. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. For more strategies on how mature men who are emotionally available commit to growing up follow me!
To Your Knowledge Success!
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Sources
1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” & Co-Author of “Many Paths To Profit” with the original shark from Shark Tank Kevin Harrington.
2) Doak CC, Doak LG, Friedell GH, Meade CD. Improving comprehension for cancer patients with low literacy skills: strategies for clinicians. CA Cancer J Clin. 1998;48(3):151–62.
3) Kirsch IS, Jungeblut A, Jenkins L, Kolstad A. Adult literacy in America: a first look at the results of the National Adult Literacy Survey. National Center for Education Statistics; 1993.
4) National Library of Medicine. “The negative effects of social media on the social identity of adolescents from the perspective of social work”. Heliyon. 2021 Feb; 7(2): e06327. Published online 2021 Feb 21. doi: 10.1016/j.heliyon.2021.e06327. PMCID: PMC7905185PMID: 33665465
5) The Bible. New Living Translation.
6) Cleveland Clinic. Web Search. Searched 3 September 2024 1251PM CST. Link: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/24894-amygdala
7) Gračanin A., Kardum I. Primary emotions as modular mechanisms of the human mind. In: Žebec M.S., Sabol G., Šakić M., Topić M.K., editors. Brain and Mind: A Lasting Challenge. Institute of Social Sciences “Ivo Pilar”; Zagreb, Croatia: 2006. pp. 89–103
8) Fox E. Emotion Science. J.B. Metzler; Stuttgart, Germany: 2008.
9) Psychol rep. “The Relationship Between the Motivation to Commit Infidelity and Negative Affect and Self-Esteem: How Cheating in Romance Might Signal Positive Well-Being in Adolescents”. Ana M Beltrán-Morillas, et al. 2022 Feb;125(1):517-544. doi: 10.1177/0033294120973947. Epub 2020 Nov 16.
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Certain elements in this story may have been fictionalized to illustrate a creative story. This is a form of artistic expression not narration of fact. Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments.
About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” and Co-Author with Kevin “The Shark” Harrington “Many Paths To Profit”. Christopher has opened over 7 businesses in his 15-year career. Christopher’s purpose is to take advantage of various market-driven opportunities. Christopher is a certified Master Project Manager (MPM), and Accredited Financial Analyst (AFA). Christopher previously held his Series 65 securities license examination and was a Master Financial Planner (MFP). Christopher also held his General Lines — Life, Accident, Health & HMO. Christopher has managed a combined 286mm USD in reported Assets Under Management & Assets Under Advisement. Christopher has work experience in 33 countries, raised over 50mm USD for various businesses, and grossed over 13.0mm in his personal career. Christopher worked in the highly technical industries of: biotechnology, finance, securities, manufacturing, real estate, and residential mortgages. Christopher is a United States Air Force Veteran. Christopher has a passion for family, competitive sports, fishing, martial arts and advocacy for entrepreneurs. Christopher provides self-help classes for up-and-coming entrepreneurs. Christopher’s passion to mentor comes from belief that entrepreneurs need guidance. The world is full of conflicting information about entrepreneur identity. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.
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