Perfect chemistry or gaslighting with manipulation? What happens if you are just looking at your own feelings and not theirs? Welcome to mirroring.
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ARE YOU BEING FOOLED BY A REFLECTION?
People often think getting along is great. Some pessimists caution against “Love Bombing” or other “Instant Clicks”. What’s wrong with everything going smoothly? Should we be paranoid? Is too good to be true really a thing.
Yes and No.
Let’s think about it. Are you simply scared to be hurt again or is there a hidden flag of manipulation?
Mirroring a behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gestures, facial expressions, speech or posture of another person. This is a complex topic that goes far beyond the simple reproduction of motion dynamics (2).
Some people describe this as “matching energy”. If he is aggressive than I am aggressive. If he is nice than I am nice. He shows me love so I show him love.
Establishing contact is paramount to human interaction. To quote Sigmund Freud, one of the well-known psychotherapeutic experts of the 20th century, his thoughts on contact were, “Even the most brilliant results suddenly turned into nothing if something was upset in the patient’s personal relationship with the doctor” (Freud, 1922).
Mirroring is the easiest way to establish contact. Afterall, if one person is not aware it is being done to them, they feel “comfortable”. What could be more comfortable than watching yourself in the mirror?
UNCONSCIOUS EFFORT OR CONSCIOUS MANIPULATION
To differentiate between someone with a disorder or someone who has sinister intentions. This can be tough. We want to believe the best in people. It’s difficult to suspect someone who isn’t doing anything wrong.
How do you know the difference? How can you spot out a genuine person? How can you watch out for someone just feeding you your own feelings?
All good questions.
Let’s look at Mirroring in more detail.
What could be more comfortable than watching yourself in the mirror?
It’s possible to mimic individual’s stance, gestures, or other nonverbal behaviors. Someone can do this partially or completely. An example of this would be if one person crosses their leg during a conversation and the other person subsequently does the same. When a person does this, it is postural mirroring. The behavior can be nonconscious or subconscious. The goal is to induce affective similarities in participants (e.g., a person mirroring the posture of someone who is anxious may then feel anxious, too) (3).
Experts call this a Postural Echo.
Remember Mirroring can be “subconscious” or “unconscious”. We are looking for people who manipulate. Now you are aware of the clinical term of Mirroring. Let’s look at a clinical form of “Manipulation”.
Our goal is to recognize disorders and protect others from harm. Our goal is not to pacify opinions of people who have authentic bad human experiences.
Not every relationship works out. We know this. It doesn’t mean people who act in a fit of emotional instability are manipulative. They just had a bad bout of passion. We are looking for people who do these things with no emotional trigger. We are looking for authentically bad people.
WHAT MANIPULATION IS CLINCIALLY
Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse that aims to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage (4). Manipulation targets and controls how someone feels, thinks, and behaves in order for the manipulator to get what they want.
Remember Mirroring can be “subconscious” or “unconscious”.
CLINICALLY RECOGNIZED MANIPULATION TACTICS
Manipulative behavior can come up in every day of situations. A sign of abuse is a pattern of clinically proven manipulation tactics. We’re not looking for the situation where your husband said you could only get the bag if you prioritized his football game on Sunday.
Gaslighting — This is about questioning your sanity with memories you can document and prove. This is where an abuser marginalizes your memory to the point where the evidence you have is discarded. This isn’t about who remembers something better. Gaslighting is a term thrown around to loosely now-a-days. It is not about remembering more accurately and insisting one person is more right.
Triangulation — This is when two people disagree, and a third person gets pulled in to sway which side “wins. This is done by appealing to the third party with false evidence or information the third party cannot verify. It is used to increase the victim’s feelings of isolation, which increases their dependence on the manipulator (5).
Subject Change — This is not when someone changes the subject after a complete thought. When a victim makes a valid point in a conversation or receives a compliment from another person, a manipulator will abruptly change the subject to prevent them from gaining any confidence. This is done very subtly and not overtly. People who object openly and cause a scene may simply be embarrassed, irritated or offended. We are looking for a soft push in a completely opposite direction to not raise suspicion.
Insecurity Amplification — Emotional manipulators are highly skilled at noticing a person’s insecurities and intensifying them (6). At the core of this, a manipulator targets a person’s sense of shame, which is an internalized feeling of inadequacy.
Passive Aggressive — Passive-aggressive communication is when someone says or indicates something without outright saying what they mean. This can take many forms, including sarcasm, pouting, or backhanded compliments. This keeps the victim in a constant pattern of monitoring, guessing, and trying to anticipate/adjust to the manipulator’s moods and reactions.
Love Bombing — Love bombing involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them. There is nothing wrong with grand gestures per se but you are looking for excessive flattery and praise. Over communication. Unwanted and unneeded gifts. Use common sense with Love Bombing and do not penalize people who love you. Excessive efforts take a large amount of time to plan and execute. It is rare for someone to spend nearly all their productive time simply trying to make you feel good. If grand gestures are the norm, you should be suspicious. People should have a job or some other responsibility besides making you feel good.
SPOTTING OUT CONSCIOUS MIRRORING
Sometimes two things complement each other. In the case of a person who demonstrates a pattern of manipulative behavior through some (if not all) of the tools above and tends to mirror.
You may have a person who consciously is mirroring.
Initially, you might feel safe, secure and swept off your feet. Grand gestures are a self-esteem boost. It is natural to want to feel important and desired. With a person who consciously mirrors your behavior and subtly deploys the tactics above over time, these grand gestures can be an effort to manipulate you.
We are looking for people who do these things with no emotional trigger. We are looking for authentically bad people
The goal is to make you feel indebted to and dependent on them. When you are feeling good they simply mirror your behaviors in the same way. There is no unique words or feelings. There is only echoes of your expressions.
“Baby you’re the best.” Is followed by “No Baby you are the best.”.
A signal for a hug is matched by the exact same signal prior to the embrace. Remember, it is rare for everyone to do the exact same movements to express the exact same feelings.
Their behaviors can change when you voice opinions. Opinions like you feel you “do not owe them”. This can also happen when you seek “independence”. You can be hit with one of the above tactics.
Remember, manipulation is about making you “feel good” if you are “compliant”. When you are non-compliant the goal is to make you “feel bad”. The behavior pattern is not about arguing or being mean. The behavior pattern is about control.
The best manipulators make their victims feel good — not bad.
Remember gaslighting, triangulation, subject change, et cetera can always have a “nice tone”.
PROVIDING VALUE ALWAYS
My goal with these articles is to provide value to readers seeking healthy relationships in all areas. There are many relationships. Romantic, friendship, partnership and close business associations are an example of relationships. There are may different types of relationship value.
Want a high value relationship? Find high self-worth inside. Your worth exists. Unfortunately, not all my secrets will not be discovered in this free article. You must pick up a copy of my international best-selling book “I Made It Then I Didn’t” or order “Many Paths To Profit” for that.
The concept I teach in this article is free. My personal stories are not. Don’t let pennies get in the way of dollars. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Buy my books today to discover your worth. I think your worth a whole lot more than what people value you. There’s a catch to everything! You always pay for what you don’t know.
To Your Knowledge Success!
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Sources
1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” & Co-Author of “Many Paths To Profit” with the original shark from Shark Tank Kevin Harrington.
2) Cognitive Systems Research. “The effect of psychological mirroring in telecommunicative dialogue”. Vartanov A., Izbasarova S., et al. Volume 80, August 2023, Pages 110-117.
3) American Psychological Association (APA). Dictionary APA (5 Nov 2023). Postural Mirroring. Accessed 15 August 2024 712AM CST. www.apa.org.postural-mirroring
4) American Psychological Association (APA). Dictionary APA (19 April 2018). Manipulation. Accessed 15 August 2024 732AM CST. https://dictionary.apa.org/manipulation
5) Gale J., Muruthi B. (2017) Triangles and Triangulation in Family Systems Theory. Lebow J., Chambers A., Breunlin D. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham.
6) Noggle, Robert, “The Ethics of Manipulation”, The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Summer 2020 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.).
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Certain elements in this story may have been fictionalized to illustrate a creative story. This is a form of artistic expression not narration of fact. Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments.
About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” and Co-Author with Kevin “The Shark” Harrington “Many Paths To Profit”. Christopher has opened over 7 businesses in his 15-year career. Christopher’s purpose is to take advantage of various market-driven opportunities. Christopher is a certified Master Project Manager (MPM), and Accredited Financial Analyst (AFA). Christopher previously held his Series 65 securities license examination and was a Master Financial Planner (MFP). Christopher also held his General Lines — Life, Accident, Health & HMO. Christopher has managed a combined 286mm USD in reported Assets Under Management & Assets Under Advisement. Christopher has work experience in 33 countries, raised over 50mm USD for various businesses, and grossed over 13.0mm in his personal career. Christopher worked in the highly technical industries of: biotechnology, finance, securities, manufacturing, real estate, and residential mortgages. Christopher is a United States Air Force Veteran. Christopher has a passion for family, competitive sports, fishing, martial arts and advocacy for entrepreneurs. Christopher provides self-help classes for up-and-coming entrepreneurs. Christopher’s passion to mentor comes from belief that entrepreneurs need guidance. The world is full of conflicting information about entrepreneur identity. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.
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